Thursday, July 3, 2008

Episode 28: The One Finger

When last we left our intrepid hero he was battling orcs on the side of Mount Doom when Isildur, son of Elendil, cut the One Ring from Sauron’s hand. You didn’t know he was there then, did you?

Many thousands of years later, during the age of man, long after the last of the elves had sailed off into the west, our hero discovered a strange protuberance at the base of the knuckle on his left hand. While his trusty physician Doctor-Man insisted it was probably just a ganglion cyst, our hero knew better.

For you see, our hero was once a ring bearer, having briefly tried on one of the seven dwarf rings when Thrain II had come by to pick up TV tray our hero had borrowed. Thrain wanted it back to add to his treasure horde, and because he’d gotten really into Middle Earth Idol and wanted to be able to eat dinner more easily while watching. Anyway, when Thrain came over, our hero was doing the dishes and Thrain was shocked to see our hero washing the dishes without gloves on.

“You don’t have dish-pan hands” said Thrain.

“Of course not, I use Palmolive. It softens hands while you do dishes.”

“No, really? Palmolive?”

You’re soaking in it.

Thrain looked down and his hand was indeed submerged in a floating bowl of Palmolive that had appeared out of nowhere. Thrain was impressed with how smooth his hands felt, but after he left with his TV tray, our hero noticed something glinting on the floor. Slippery from the soap, Thrain’s ring of power had slipped off. Our hero immediately sent word to Thrain who rushed back for it, but in the meantime our hero tried it on, out of curiosity.

Well, let’s just say that even after Thrain had picked up the ring, our hero could still feel its grasp on his finger. That is, until Frodo destroyed the One Ring. Then his finger was fine.

Until he discovered the “ganglion cyst” as Doctor-Man called it! Fearing the return of Sauron, our hero quickly scheduled an appointment with Hand-Surgeon-Man to have the cyst removed. The procedure went off without a hitch last Friday and our hero is recovering nicely. He has the stitches out next Tuesday.

Then he will take the cyst and plunge it deep into the fires of Mt. Doom, just to be sure.

When will Galadriel return our hero’s calls?
When will Frodo get the hint and stop calling our hero?
And most importantly…
Who will be the next Middle Earth Idol?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next episode of
Our Intrepid Hero

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