Thursday, October 25, 2007

Episode 1: A New Beginning

When last we left our intrepid hero, it was a very very long time ago. Where has our hero been these many many moons? Well, let’s just say neither the Zarnack homeworld nor their female population will ever be the same. Fear not, good reader, as more details of the last few years will certainly reveal themselves from context, if you’re paying attention. In the meantime, our hero has decided to reset the episode-meter at 1. Previous installations will be henceforeth known as the AOIH Classic Edition.

But on to the present day! Sort of...

Yesterday, after a long day maintaining his identity as a mild-mannered temp on the 33rd floor of Large-Pharmaceutical-Once owned Fenton’s Creamery and made crossword puzzles-Now-Mega-Huge-Health-Industry Corporation, our hero returned to his secret lair deep deep in the shadows of San Francisco’s Inner Sunset neighborhood. His mission for the night: to finally re-launch the chronicle of his exploits: Unfortunately after Let-Me-Use-His-Free-Wifi Man moved out of the superlair upstairs last summer, our hero has been lacking in the internet access department. Vast as his powers may be, he has yet to gain the ability to meld his mind with the interwebs.

Feeling a bit sluggish and not wanting to trek to his usual internet access point, the local Hawaiian Café, he instead chose to go to the nearest purveyors of fine spirits, the Previously-Had-No-Name Bar. He walked in to see a small crowd of locals gathered to watch game one of the World Series of Baseball and found a seat with an electrical outlet so as to power is ancient, found-in-an-Egyptian-crypt laptop.

Rather than purchase his usual PBR, our hero decided to splurge on a Guinness, which took an interminable amount of time to receive, not because they were pouring it properly, but because our hero had ordered it exactly before the bartender shift change: the old bartender didn’t finish the pour, the new bartender didn’t know who’s beer it was.

But alas, that mild bump in the road was quickly navigated and our hero sat down with his cup of frothy goodness and turned on his computer. He found the local Wifi network and…

It wouldn’t connect.

Try as he might, our hero was soon subdued by the evils of My-Ancient-Computer-Won’t-Connect-to-Some-Newer-Wifi-Networks Man. Beaten and weary, our hero finished his beer and left, but he would not be entirely defeated! No!

Sitting down in the bus stop on the street corner near his lair, our hero connected to his friend’s downstairs neighbors wifi and hurried to make the necessary changes to the website before his battery made of papyrus reeds and scarabs finally ran dead.

At this point our hero retired to his lair, took a hot shower to warm up, and went to sleep.

Ah, the exciting life of a super-hero.

Will our hero ever plunk down the change for internet in his lair?
Will his old readers find the new chronicle of his exploits?
But most importantly…
Will the Red Sox continue to shellac the Colorado Rockies?

Find out the answers to these important questions and more in the next installment of:

Alan: Our Intrepid Hero

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